When my grandpa had a heart attack in October was when I first actually realized the people I've been blessed to have around me aren't, in fact, as invincible as they seem. I freaked out. Since college started, I had not spent enough time with my Poppy. I hadn't called enough. I hadn't visited enough during my breaks. I took our time together for granted. I cried because I was worried and scared. But I also cried because I felt so guilty. While I was with my friends, he was suffering in a hospital somewhere. The next morning, I rushed to Penn Station for the next train home and spent the day at his hospital bedside.I turned twenty this past December and realized my teenage years were officially over. My friends joke "you're old now!" and my parents joke "playtime's over!" I first thought, "oh shit they're right"..and in a way, their jokes hold truth. While I wouldnt consider myself "old" I do consider myself more responsible. I'm not a teen anymore..and so I feel like now, more than ever, I have more of a responsibility to myself, to my family, and to the role I play in society as a citizen of the world. I have felt like I have been irresponsible in my neglection of civic duties. I mean, when was the last time I helped out my community? I mean really helped out my community, not just donated money to a cancer cause or sent a card to a war veteran...Ever since I stopped volunteering, solely working at my paid internship, I have felt like a huge part of me has been missing...I often wonder what happenend to that little girl from Newark I tutored, if the things I taught her about the importance of education and the insignificance of drugs stuck with her. I often wonder about the patients in CCU and the nurses that devoted their lives to helping others. I often wonder about the autistic children I taught art to. A lot of time has passed since my volunteer days, but the memory still sticks. No matter what field I choose, I know I need to do a job with some sort of direct civil service - whether local or global. I need to know that my efforts are working to make a difference in the lives of others and in the development of our communities. If my job doesn't make any significant impact, I know I will feel worthless, useless, and just empty.
I turned twenty this past December and that same day, my family found out the chemo worked, Poppy was cancer-free. Unfortunately, we also found out only 32% of his heart is working. My Poppy, the man who taught me how to eat spaghetti with a spoon and about the seven continents and how to play cards, is now skinny, weak and feeble, dependant on medicines. He bears a permanent look of apprehension on his face. He is probably the nicest man I will ever know. It pains me to see him this way. I want to hug him and tell him that everything will be alright, but I can't. I become emotionless, stoic. I ignore the issue when I am with him. Like it's not there and the reality doesn't exist. But in reality, I know it does exist and I am full, so full of emotions. His time is fragile and out of my control. Because of this I feel a sense of obligation to make the best of my time with him.
At the drop of a ball, a whole year will pass. And there's nothing we can do to stop it from dropping. there is nothing we can do to stop time. We can only make the best of time here. I have decided in 2009, I will try to make the best of my fleeting time on earth. Last year, I refused to make a resolution because I thought New Year's resolutions were phony. Why do we need a whole new year to make a resolution? Why can't we make pledge and a promise to ourselves at anytime of the year? But then I realized that maybe its because my resolutions were phony. That's why I think this year, is very much a new year - because my resolution is not the same as usual (I will go to the gym everyday, I will get all A's, I will stop biting my nails, I will lose five pounds, I will spend less money, I will be a happier person, I will worry less)...all phony. OK, perhaps not phonyyy per se...perhaps all noble attempts...but come on. We can't go to the gym everyday...and we will be happy and we will be sad and we will worry and stress out in 2009!! I mean, we just will. At least, I know I will...And we'll strive to get good grades as always - to do our best as always - that's not a year's resolution - that's an ongoing promise. No, those aren't good New Years resolutions. This year, my decree is much more general but very meaningful: I will make the best of my time. I want to build and develop and improve myself and share my skills. I want to work to enhance my potential so I can best help others in the future, using my energy for the greater good. it's about time...
So ready or not, here comes 2009 and all its uncertainties. it can be a new beginning. happy new year, everyone. say goodbye to your old self.
1.Rinse and Soak broccoli rabe in water. Boil broccoli rabe until it is almost cooked through. Strain.
well, it's a shame that too few men know that the key to a girls heart is a bouquet of flowers. I am not talking about flowers on a special occasion. The surprise deli bouquet. psychologically, it's in that moment - that unexpected moment - that our hearts feel an elevated happiness. It's a simple effort worth more than a Cartier diamond. Well...maybe that's an exaggeration...but you know what I mean. It's simple and it's unexpected and joyous. It's like the happiness you feel in the moment an unexpected visitor arrives at your door. or the unexpected text, the unexpected grade, the unexpected phone call, the unexpected kiss. A happy moment and memory can outshine a mind crowded with sorrows. So, if you are a male reading this heed my advice...surprise her with flowers for no reason. well, i mean i imagine it will work with all girls except for me of course (for obvious reasons) and except for maybe goth girls on the morbid anti-floral side of life...(in which case i have no idea...new black lipstick perhaps?)
